Written by Summer Chua
(PHOTO: Summer Chua)
Anise never thought something like this was possible, but now she has come to realize that things will only get better in time. It may be stormy, but it never rains forever.
Another day in her life as an ordinary girl begins early as she wakes up in the morning and scrolls through her Instagram feed. She answers texts from her friends, and then she brushes her teeth. She puts on her make-up before donning on her favourite outfit of the day. She looks in the mirror and takes a selfie, ready to live out yet another fulfilling day of her life. But first, she has to get through her mum.
For some, the journey to self-discovery can be met with open arms. But for others, it can be a nightmare all on its own. For Anise, it was the latter and definitely a journey. She uses the word — journey — because it contrasts from a definitive time stamp. It’s not that simple for a lot of people.
Coming out as transgender only threw Anise into a world of tears and silent treatments. Her teachers made microaggressions, whereas her parents shunned her off. She lost nearly everything she had in a blink of an eye. And loss is horrifying when it’s unpreventable, and it’s no less so when it’s preventable. She remembers thinking ‘Why am I like this? Why am I born this way?’ Coupled with the expectations to lead a family and have a bloodline, she knew she did not conform into society’s cookie-cutter template.
It got worse when she tried to dress up openly at home, only to be told to leave the house immediately. ‘She completely freaked out and it went horribly wrong. I thought she would come to terms with it after a while, but I guess it just wasn’t it. She wanted me to pack all of my stuff and leave, so I ended up at my friend’s house, bawling for an hour. But at the end of the day, I still went back home.’
It can be easy to assume that society has evolved to a place where everyone is accepted and understood because of the increasing visibility. But not everyone lives in an idealized town on Netflix. Moments like these ripped holes in her heart, yet she wanted the world to know she is conscious of the steps she’s taking and the identity she’s championing for.
‘I decided to come out to my best friend and I received an underwhelming response, in the most wonderful way. He told me it wouldn’t affect our friendship and that he is still him, I am still me. That moment was such a confidence booster. It was the first time I told anyone (who’s not my family) I’m transgender and the first time I am fully accepted for who I am, coming from a conservative Muslim household.’
Anise has gained more courage than she has lost since then from her reassuring friends. The words of affirmation she receives have led her to remain steadfast in her commitment to staying true to herself. “I am a girl, and I won’t pretend to be otherwise.”
Her unwavering determination to living authentically is seen from her daily dress-ups. It was a daily struggle, but the hope that encouraged her to keep going was her persistence and rationality. And soon enough, the confrontations lessened. Perhaps it was time they needed. Or the realisation that they couldn’t do anything about it. Although they still don’t approve of it, her parents eventually accepted her identity. It was then she thought to herself: ‘Who would have thought this day would come?’
‘I’m at the best state of my life right now and I want this moment to serve as a reminder, that life only gets better. Give it time. My journey was a tough one, filled with lots of stumbles and wrong turns, but I don’t think I’d change anything about it.’ Unlike some really charming — and sometimes cringey — coming out stories on social media, not all are filled with glitters and glamours. It wasn’t an easy one for Anise, but she persisted and her persistence worked. She saw how her story unfolded and while her parents might never be able to understand, she got the ending she desired; acceptance.
At 18, Anise radiates a confidence and sense of self that defines what it means to be a transgender teen. Maybe that’s because she has spent so much time defining who she is. She’s not him anymore. She’s out and proud.
A beautiful flower. A sunrise. A walk in the park. These little joy and comfort have lustered and exuberated. They are fully whole and she is capable of completely enjoying them again.
